Sometimes, I am not sure what meaning dreams hold. It seems to me that some are just random constructions of an over-active mind. And so, unless I am particularly struck by one, I tend not to think about them too much. But last night, my dream struck me. Buckle your random belts...
It began in present day, but also in both past and future. I had gone to visit my great-grandmother at her house (a frequent event from my youth, and a woman I loved dearly for a lot of reasons). There, I was to meet up with the rest of the family - mom, brothers and their wives, niece and newborn nephew (due March 4, by the way) and grandma with great-grandma. As I sat in the house all by myself waiting on everyone else to arrive, I looked out the window and saw a rather large snake, something I was never afraid of finding at Grandma's as a child but have come to realize were probably all around.
Snakes in dreams TEND to represent change. I sat in the house and watched out the window, but it never moved. I could see it wasn't dead; it was just waiting on me to make the first move. Something almost beckoning me to come out and touch it. But inside, I sat. Too afraid to go, too afraid to get near it. One by one, the others arrived, and apparently, it was my birthday! I handed the newborn nephew back to my brother's wife and followed great-grandmother into her bedroom where she gave me a gift - the key to the nutter house. (For those of you who know what this means, apparently, my GG owned RMH and was passing it on to me to keep safe for future generations.) She took me to the computer to show me my new realm and ended up burning data on several 5" floppy disks for me.
While grandma and mom cooked a big country breakfast for us all, my brother convinced me to come outside and see the snake, which I had convinced myself was a golden cobra. Foolishly, I went, as he had it trapped in the backseat of the car. I climbed right in the backseat with the thing, and it had a big gash across its neck, looking like someone had tried but failed to cut its head off. It inched itself closer to me and licked me right in the face - it felt like puppy kisses! So gentle! And even though I was no longer afraid, I took a machete and finished chopping off its head. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by sadness, and a bit later, my brother's wife told me the REAL name of the snake. I don't remember upon waking exactly what it was, but I remember how peaceful and healing it sounded.
See, here's the thing:
The hardest thing for me to overcome in the healing process is my own psychology. I can feel the very real fighting over my being - an internal struggle between health and sickness, between fragment and wholeness. I want to go outside and play; I am afraid I will puke. I want to go upstairs and work; I am afraid I will end up in pain. I want to run; I'm afraid I will fall. I want to go out in public; I'm afraid I will get sick and not be able to make it home. I want to eat; I'm afraid I can't. It's all a struggle between what I WANT to be and what I've been for the past 5 years. If I keep myself busy and don't think much about anything, I can make it through the day and feel wonderful. But when it gets to be 7 p.m. and I look back and realize what a great day I had, I immediately become sick and stuck in bed for the rest of the evening. I became so used to the thought that the good days were over for me that I can no longer accept them without fear, without ruining them for myself. So it's really hard to combat the psychology of healing. I mean, really hard. At the same time, I realize the only thing standing between me and complete restoration is...me! Please be in prayer as I work to overcome myself and try to discover the new life, the complete healing God has for me because I know it is there! It feels like puppy kisses, and I cut its head off!
The other thing that is really bugging me about myself right now is that I'm getting a bit stingy, selfish. I have always been this way with food - it drives me batty when someone wastes even a bite of food. But now, it's going to other things that SHOULDN'T MATTER. And here's when it hit me: my mom was making a papier mache bowl for work (something she's going to throw away after its use has expired). As part of this project, she attached a butter bowl lid to make the bottom of the new bowl. I was so livid! How could she just WASTE a lid like that? SERIOUSLY. And then I caught myself and was like "wow. I'm a jerk." I try not to be selfish and not to worry about things like this because I know they don't really matter, but I guess the frustration of not being able to find a job yet is getting to me. I DO have expenses. I pay some of the bills around this house and have had a lot of unexpected expenses lately (though, I did just buy myself a present for the first time in years). So I know part of my selfishness is coming from fear - the fear of running out of money before I can find a job to bring in more. It's not even that I'm really picky about a job. My only requirements are as follows: I need a clean bathroom, and I won't work food or retail. I can't work food because when I tic, I tend to touch my face and stuff a lot, so I'd have to always be washing my hands and it'd just be disgusting. And I won't work retail cuz they usually don't have clean bathrooms. (I'm talking big retail like Walmart or Kohl's.) So yeah...I'm looking for something more suited to my personality. And I know in my heart that God is going to put me where He wants me when He wants me there, but in the meantime, it's still hard to trust. So I think that's where my selfishness is coming from, but it still bothers me. It's not a good trait in a person.
So that's my random update. I'm gonna go read the Bible or something now. I'm almost halfway through! (reading cover-to-cover and right in the thick of Psalms as I type this)