I'm struggling a little bit right now, and I want to try to explain it (if only to get it out of my head for awhile).My heart feels more vibrantly alive than ever. Something in the Spirit of God is connecting deeply with something in the Spirit of Aidan, and it's really a beautiful thing. I can't really explain how deep this has penetrated me and my life, the way I am living and thinking and loving and feeling. If you've been here, I know you understand. The Spirit in me connects with the Spirit in you that has felt this.
And yet, I find myself struggling. I feel unworthy to pray. I feel unworthy to read the Bible. My heart is drawn to these things, and I am struggling and doing my best to wade my way through them. But it's not what it appears to be. As soon as my mouth begins to speak, I feel unworthy. But at the same time, I feel like I'm trying too hard. I feel God's hand on me, calming me down and begging me to be still and to let go and to stop trying so damn hard to do things the "right" way.
So while the flesh wrestles and seeks to pray rightly, to worship rightly, to read faithfully, and all the other stuff I am drawn to do, the voice of God whispers in my ear, "Shhh....you need rest."
And I do need that rest. My world has been very loud lately - something you could only understand if you were one of the thousands of voices living in my head. It's just...I feel torn in two different directions - both of which feel as though they are coming from God.
I pray for peace, and I pray for harmony, and I pray for wisdom as I navigate this desert and come to a resting place with my Father.