Friday, July 31, 2009

As My Heart Bursts...

I am finding in these times, as I draw nearer to God for the strength that simply does not live in me, certain things are changing. It pulls on my heart in very powerful ways, but frustrating!Where once my heart stood hardened, now it softens. It aches for the pains of others - for the love of my dog (Kiira, my protector) who now faces old age (she is 10), for the fear in the heart of the young mother who used to attend my church whose 6-month-old daughter got run over by a car, for the grief in the hearts of those in my church who lost their loved one today, for my mother who seeks but does not find, for my brothers and their wives who face uncertainty, and so on the list goes. These things, which normally ran off my back like water from a downspout, now stop me in my tracks. They bring tears to my eyes and a soft (or sometimes painful) ache to my heart.And perhaps I noticed this strongly last night, as well. The 11-o'clock news reported a break-in in my town, where two men posed as federal agents and took a house by storm to rob it. My initial response was fear, fear for my own safety. But as I laid in bed thinking about it, sadness overtook me, overtook even the fear. What was breaking the hearts of these young men that they needed to resort to this? What was missing in their lives? What could I offer them?Which brings me to another point. As I connect more with my Father who has healed me (and continues to heal me), I find that my heart bursts. It vibrates with the knowledge, or the belief, that it IS within me to bring healing to others. I close my eyes, and I can see the healing pour from my heart to my hands and outward. It seems nothing is beyond the reach of God's healing power in me. And yet, despite my desperate attempts, my desperate pleas, I am unable to bring this healing to fruition. I can't get it out of my heart and into the world, which frustrates me to no end. I want to help, I want to heal. Not for my own glory, but for God's. The world needs to know He is still here, still powerful, and still willing to heal her.It's hard to live with a vulnerable heart in this way. I'd be lying if I said I've gotten a lot less sleep as God has worked in me and given me this tender spot. How can I rest when the brokenness and neediness of the world echoes in my Spirit day and night? And yet, I cannot yet find the harness to this power.

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