Insecure

When we talk about Saul (Old Testament Saul), we have to remember that when all of Israel gathered to select and appoint their first-ever king, 1) Saul knew it was going to be him; the prophet Samuel had already told him but 2) he was still hiding among the luggage when they called him out. 

Think about that for a second. This guy's head is dripping with the oil of anointing. He can probably still smell it in his nose. He's been told by the prophet that it's him, and the prophet is the one running the show at the public anointing. There is absolutely no reason for Saul to expect to be able to hide for very long. 

In fact, in an age of bold individualism and an emphasis on showmanship and achievement, it's hard for us to believe that the guy who knew he was the one about to be anointed king wouldn't come strutting in, making a show of himself, clearing a path through the crowds, and boasting about this incredible opportunity. At the very least, a humble brag. We picture a guy who would have to be a little like Prince Charming in Shrek - almost full of himself, standing tall, walking confidently. 

After all, God's already anointed you. What else do you need? 

The short answer is: you need to believe it. 

That was the biggest flaw of the first king of Israel, his fatal flaw: he never could get himself to believe what God said about him.

God had chosen him. God had led him through a long journey all the way to the prophet, who not only assured him of the safety of a few donkeys, but poured oil on his head and anointed him king of Israel. God had proven faithful in early battles, securing the victory for Saul. God had laid out a plan for Saul to continue to lead this people and to keep winning battles and to be the king. 

But Saul struggled to believe it. 

He was hiding among the baggage because he couldn't wrap his head around the idea that God might want him. 

He kept his spear always close at hand because he believed it was up to him to hold onto the kingship, that he had to always be ready to protect himself against anyone who would come for him or his throne. 

He offered sacrifices himself, instead of waiting for Samuel, because he didn't trust God was going to show up on time if he didn't. 

Everything in Saul's life shows us that he was constantly working to alleviate the threats that he saw all around him instead of living in the promise poured out on his life and tucked into his sadly-decaying heart. If you read Saul's story with an eye toward the humanity of it, you see a man who never did believe God. Not really.

And as a result, he spent his entire anointed life battling his own insecurities. 

Insecurities that led him to always be ready to defend himself. 

Because he wasn't sure that God - the same God who called, anointed, and affirmed him - would do it.