God told Abraham to rise and take his little boy to a lonely place they call Moriah's Hill. God said, "There, you'll sacrifice your precious pride and joy and you'll be blessed in ways I cannot tell."
Last night, as I lay in bed falling asleep, I remembered the words of an old friend, Dave Carnes. After days of talking with him, he was getting increasingly angry with me, and he just exploded. He talked about how I was squashing the Spirit within me, how I was so resistant to everything God wanted to do in my life. Finally, he just screamed "God wants to bless your face off!"
So I got to thinking - what is it that God wants to do in my life? And I could feel the resistance inside of me. It's still there this morning, and it will probably still be there tomorrow. I just don't know how to let go and let God, but all of a sudden, that saddens me. I really feel what Dave told me so many years ago - I am killing the Spirit inside of me by my unwillingness to be open.
I feel like, over the last several years of fighting illness, I have drawn closer to God. It's playing out in my life in significant ways. At the same time, I am suddenly keenly aware that right now, my relationship with God consists of Him providing me only with what I need or want. He's yet to give me what HE wants, because I keep refusing to accept it.
It's hard because I've never really understood God. I don't think any of us really do, at least not until we meet Him face-to-face. And it's hard for me to not understand what's going on, especially in my own life. So sometimes, all I can do is sit back and sing...
If this is what God wants, if this is what God says, then who am I to doubt or try to figure out this circumstance? If this is what God chose for me in all His majesty, then surely, I can trust and lean on what God says.