I'm really struggling with the concept of church right now. See, everything is different. I know I can't explain it well enough to help you understand, but there's nothing about me that is how it used to be. Everything about me has changed (except for the clothes because, let's face it, gas prices are too high to worry about the newest fashions).
It's not the people. I love my church family to pieces, and they are my strength. It's so great to walk in on Sunday mornings and stop and talk with everyone (although there are a few people who I sometimes wish would leave me alone). It's nice to have that sense of belonging. And yet, I also have a sense of not belonging that I can't quite put my finger on. One part of me senses the caring and embraces the relationships; but another part of me realizes that these people do not truly know who I am. Heck, at this point, even I am not sure. It's changing every day.
But the less I know of the old self, the more I find out about the new. It seems like the less I know about myself, the better I know myself. A paradox.
And I'm finding that I have to come up with a different way to worship. Standing in the back just isn't doing it, but it's not really about location. It's about...spirit. There's something stronger in my heart now, something more vitally alive, that is looking for a more passionate way to worship, a more reflective, expressional way of doing this. There's a thirst for something more. And I'm not sure how I'm going to quench that; not sure what will do the trick to connect me to God in a more vibrant way, a way I am seeking.
And yet, the less I know of God, the more I know of God. Another paradox.
I don't know yet whether I'll go to church in the morning or not. I haven't been in a couple of weeks. It's nothing really against it. And I know that God wants us to go to church; the Bible is full of churches. It's just this weird, transformative journey I am on. I have to listen to those forces that are guiding me toward something greater right now and see where that leads me.