Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Worry

It's fairly easy to get caught in worry.  Especially when you don't seem to have enough of what the world says it's selling.

Secret?  It's selling you.  It's selling you short.  It's selling you at a price.  It's giving you no more worth than what it can cheapishly write on your tag.  And it's easy to buy into all that.

For me, right now, it's the money pit.  It's easy to feel trapped in the, well, the lack of money pit.  Needing things.  Wanting things.  And as we all know these things go, it seems to hit all at once.  Just when I look at my bank statement and find a way to swallow (albeit HARD some months) and start to get my bearings that it will be ok, something else hits.  This week?  Chipped tooth.

Not terribly bad, but enough that if I took care of it now, I could do it without the anesthetic that my body is so allergic to and fairly simply.  But as all things, these things cost money, and this tug of war between the obvious necessity of fixing my tooth and the pain of writing the check began.

I was worried!

Worried because I have always worried about money.  My money.  Other people's money.  Strangers on the street's money.  And with no money flowing in these days, it's easy to get caught in that worry.

The other thing, though, is this: I don't really have a need to worry about money.  No, there is no one to take care of me if I run out.  But I'm smart with my money.  Disciplined.  Maybe a little too stingy.  Let's say frugal - I like the sound of that better.  I know how to live on what I have and I'm satisfied.

Then what's the problem?

I never really know until I turn what isn't the problem over to God.  Then, He takes care of that and starts chipping away at the real problem.  He takes care of the worry.  He takes care of the bank statements (in this case).  I'm always amazed at how that happens.

Then He just looks at me and kind of cocks His head to the side like my puppy when she's confused.  "Why would you think tomorrow would be any different?"

"Why would you think that TODAY, even, I wouldn't be enough when I was enough for all of your yesterdays.  Which, may I remind you, you worried about too much, too."

He's right.  It's true.

All it takes is one second where He slips in and reminds me not to worry, one second where I stop worrying and really consider the situation.  Then, man...worry is so dumb!

The truth is, it's hard to get me worried.  There's just not a lot of reason to be as long as there's still good in the world.  And since I don't anticipate God leaving us any time soon (or ever), there's always going to be good here.  It doesn't mean the path is smooth; it also doesn't mean life has to take the drastic ups and downs.  It's just a ride.  It's just a journey.  We do what we can to live Love and to know what (or Who) we're living for, and that's the way it's gotta be.  The little crappy stuff?  It's gonna pop up.  But it gives us a chance to just kind of look at things.

And things right now say this: I know my worry is a poorly-worded vulnerability and a continued questioning of my faith.  I know it is the battle of a heart that longs to just trust and know (and DOES know, when it isn't blinded by the not trusting) and the heart that still knows brokenness.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  It's the brokenness - the torn up, thirsty, seeking places inside us - that keep us driving toward God.  Would I prefer no worry?  Probably.  But it does drive me toward an honest heart.  Toward an honest prayer that meets an honest God.

That's pretty cool.

All that said, my tooth is fixed.  And the dentist (another sign of continued goodness in the world) cut me a nice deal on the payment.  And the truth?  Once I called this morning and actually made the appointment, after a weekend of having nothing but time to think about it since nobody works on weekends any more, I had peace.  God took over my worry and answered the deeper unspoken of my heart.  He said, "Know what?  I got this.  Just like yesterday and the day before.  I got today."

"Oh yeah, and before you get ahead of yourself, I got tomorrow, too."

I believe it.

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