Tuesday, May 15, 2012

To Boldly Go...

When you make a firm decision to step into God's promise, the first wall you're going to run up against are all your insecurities.  You can have all of the peace and assurance and courage necessary to make the decision - and even make it! - but once you take the first step and actually act on your heart in some tiny way, you will inevitably come to this conclusion:

Oh My GOD...What have I just done?

Because you will realize all you aren't.

If you're not careful, that haunting feeling that you've just gotten ahead of yourself will suck all the passion out of what just moments ago was the perfect choice.  You will forget how blessed the moment was, how fully God stepped into what you were doing, how completely outside of yourself you were just thinking about the promise, and how wholly you realized it was not about you.

Yesterday, I became the owner of my own domain.  Today, I'm giving it back to God.  In the in-between was the OMG moment where I cried, "Lord, what have I just done?" and followed with "This better not be a huge mistake..."  I wasn't sure how to end that question.

Because what seemed so certain in my heart, what had given me so much joy in knowing it was perfect from Him, what had set my heart aflutter in sheer joy of His creation, what had given me the confidence in moving forward into at least this portion of His revealed promise for me...ran right up against the face in the mirror.  The eyes that knew my own story.  The hands that knew my own work.  The heart that knew my own secrets.  And the ever haunting question: Who am I?

Who am I, as Casting Crowns would say, that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name?  Who am I that He would place this gift in this life?  Who am I that by any earthly standard or definition or expectation, this is even gonna matter?

My "Oh My God, what have I just done?" faded into "Well, it's done.  Deal with it." and then eventually, into sleep where somehow by the morning, my heart found its center again.

What have I done, Lord?  He just smiles and says, "Exactly as I have called you to do.  Deal with it."

Deal with it.  Deal with coming face-to-face with your inadequacies.  Deal with standing in your insecurities.  Deal with having a greater call on your life than mediocrity.  Deal with My Love for you.  My hope for you.  My gift in you.  My promise in you.  Deal with it.

It's not cruel.  It's another one of God's endless invitations...to search your heart and decide what is real.  Is the echo of your emptiness what's most real...or is the fullness of what He's put in you?  Is it your questions...or your joy in knowing you are right where He wants you?  Is it your broken compass...or the map-less terrain that lies before you?  Is it popular opinion...or wisdom of creation?  Is it anything else...or is it as God says?

When you remember why you took that step, the way you felt just before the leap, you remember what you did it for.  Who you did it for.  Whose story that step speaks loudest of - and hint: it isn't yours.  Whatever adventure you're about to take, whatever paths you're about to blaze, whatever journey you're about to go on, speaks more about God than it does you if you'll let it just be as He intended.  He's about to work through it - through you, no matter how torn, uncertain, inadequate, or insecure you may feel about yourself.  He's created you for this.  If He hadn't, He wouldn't have laid it on your heart.

So take your step forward, but take it back to Him.  If you try to make it about yourself, you will always question; if you make it about Him, He will tell a new story through you in a way you cannot even imagine right now.  In my case, I know that where He's leading me may not "take off" for 20 years.  40 years.  60 years.  But He's taking baby steps in me now, little glimpses here and there that answer my insecurities and take me into Promise.

If only I'll take the step...and boldly go straight into my questions where He's bound to answer my nagging heart.

In the end, it's not about my insecurities, my inadequacies, or even my competencies.  It is about His confidence, His creation, His ability, and His promise.  It is His story; He's just inviting me to tell a part of it.

Wherever He's called you, He has a reason.  And you have an inkling.  What questions are standing in your heart that keep you from taking the next step?  What if it wasn't about you at all?

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