No sweat, right?
Wrong. I gotta tell you - I'm feeling an awful lot like Job right now. And not the good Job, either. Not the afflicted, wrongly condemned man who had a right to have a few questions Job. No, I feel like the Job standing before God while God is railing Him with obvious taunts and rhetorical questions.
"Oh, you think you understand these things? Well, go ahead! Create a holy moment. Just one! Try it! Do you know what it takes to make one holy moment? Just one? Think of the millions I have created, and those are just in your life. I have made that many for everyone in every generation. And you think you can make even one? Go for it!"
I laugh because this is not a new experience for me. But I'm throwing myself into a little more, for the sheer pleasure of the humor of God, this time around.
This is actually a thought and a pressure I feel every time I put my gift to (hopefully) good use. Every time I come to this blog and hope to have something worthy to say about my God. Every time I open up a new chapter in my book and pray that I don't ruin it with my flesh in the way. Every time I stand before my congregation and share a thought or an invitation. And every time I try to put something together for them to experience Christ in a tangible, honest, authentic way.
It's a lot of pressure. And the natural byproduct of being gifted by God as a communicator. Or storyteller. I kind of like that better.
Don't get me wrong: this pressure does not come from God. This pressure comes from love. That is, it comes from that within me that loves God and seeks to honor Him. That piece of me that cannot settle for anything less than honor in my gift and honor through my gift. That part of me that has to get this just right not so that I look good, but so that God looks good (like He needs any help from me).
I wouldn't trade it for the world.
God could not have blessed me with more apt a gift. Maybe it's because I was created for this, but I feel like I was created for this. The pressure, the agony over getting it just right, only fuels my fire more deeply. It only inspires me to throw my heart into it.
And I've found that's really the only way to get there.
When I was younger, I was a timid girl. I was questioning, afraid, and lacked any measure of confidence. There were very few times that I would take on a project without asking for multiple input, without letting little hints leak, to make sure that whatever I was about to undertake was not, uhm, "stupid." It would make sense to me, but maybe nobody else would get it. Maybe they wouldn't appreciate it. Maybe it would pass them by and they'd miss out on a moment because I was too stuck in myself.
Not any more. Now, I just throw my heart into things and trust the creative instinct within me. Not everything I come up with is going to be a smash hit for everyone, but I consider what it is that would bring me to the cross. What is it that would connect me with Christ in this moment? I find that when I go for it that way, the end result hits a lot more hearts than just mine.
Though it hits mine, too, and I can't wait to walk through Stations and participate in the moments this team is creating. My moments included.
You'd think that by the time I get it all put together, it would be old hat. That knowing the "gimmick," for lack of a better word, knowing what's coming when I step into that place would take some of the passion out of it for me. Not so. Not at all. Because in putting it together, I play it in my mind. I schematic it out. I work it together. When the moment finally comes, I get to do it - I get to actually do this thing that came from a burden on my heart that wanted to do it in the first place. Now here it is, come together. Inviting me to engage with my Lord.
The same is true for blogs I write, books I write, and thoughts I share. They come from this raw place in my heart that is able in the moment to get just as much into them as anyone else who had no idea this was coming. I treasure that authenticity in my gift, and I thank God that He has provided the grace for it.
So I'm working on holy moments and loving this one. I've got the voice of God in my head, asking, "Can you create one holy moment?" By His grace, I think I can. He created me to do this.
May I honor Him.