Friday, February 22, 2013

Therefore I Am

My problem is that I think too much.

I think.

I am one of those people who can only barely grasp a quiet moment.  When I close my eyes and settle into bed at night, I have this fleeting feeling of gentle rest and settling down into the peace of God as I climb under the covers for another good night's rest, thankful for another day.  That lasts all of about five seconds before my mind starts churning out more ideas, things to think about, things I shouldn't stay up thinking about but do anyway.  I even think about the things I'm going to have to think about later!

The problem with thinking, at least as I find it, is that when I start thinking, I start worrying.  I worry about the things I would never worry about if I wasn't thinking.  If I was just living instead.  But in those moments of raging thought, it seems I can't help but obsess over the things I shouldn't be thinking about.  So I worry.

In direct conflict with the Bible, I worry about what I will eat, what I will wear, where I will stay.  I worry about having a place.  I worry about not having a place.  I worry about having enough, not having enough, whether I'm being enough, and what if I'm not enough.  I worry about tomorrow.  I worry about yesterday.

When I worry, I start to doubt.  I doubt myself, my abilities, my gift, my passion, my purpose.  I doubt whether I have any good in me at all.  I doubt whether I can.  Sometimes, I doubt whether I will.  I doubt God, whether He is good.  I doubt whether He is able.  I doubt whether He loves me as much as He says He does.  Whether I understand His love at all....or whether, I guess, I ever will.  It just seems in a moment of worry, there's a lot of doubt.

Doubt is kind of useless; there is no way to answer doubt except by turning it into questions.  I can ask questions.  So in times of doubt, I do.  I start letting the questions roll around in my head until I've got them formed enough that I might dare speak them.  Or until they are so loud in my head that I can't ignore them any longer.

So in my questions, I pray.  It's the only thing I know to do.

With worry, with doubt, with questions, I only know to pray.  If I knew a better way to answer them, I'd do it, but there simply isn't one.  If I could answer myself at all, then maybe I wouldn't think so much in the first place.  But I am a thinker, and I have no answer for myself.

Thankfully, there is a good and gracious God who is faithful to hear my questions, face my doubts, and comfort my worry.  There is a God who hears me when my questions have become too much and I kneel to pray.  No matter how many times we go through this little dance - which starts with my thinking and somehow always leads back to prayer.

So I guess you might say: I think.

Therefore, I AM.

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