Not really related to the rough season I'm in, but just part of the overall season I'm in, I'm sitting here and one of the things I've been wrestling with for a week or two is the illogical nature of God.
That may seem strange to say, that God is illogical. He is, after all, the Creator of the rational universe, and the deeper we look into the universe, the more rational we find it to be.
Still, it's true that sometimes, God does things that we don't understand. The truths of the universe are sometimes mysterious to us. When we see the pattern, they make perfect sense, but we don't always see the pattern. In times like these, it can seem, from our human perspective, that God is illogical.
Such is the case in the season in which I find myself. In this season, I have a decision to make. A decision that impacts not only my life today, but the trajectory of where I might go from here. It is a decision I have been wrestling with for awhile, unsure of how to make it and knowing that I haven't really had enough data to make it...until I have.
As soon as that little piece of missing data came in, that one thing that I could not fathom in my imagination alone, the decision became perfectly clear to me. Two roads diverge in a wood, and I know without a doubt which one to take. I know which one my soul embraces. I know which one gives me peace. (And, thankfully, those are both the same one!)
But...I can't explain why.
I can't tell you, except for the feeling in my soul and the measure of peace that I have, why this is the right decision. In fact, if I were to line up all of the data on a sheet of paper, I think it would fall heavily to the other side, at least in terms of all of the things I think that I'm looking for. All of the things that I've identified in my heart over 38 years of living that bring me peace and make me joyful and settle my soul well into my spirit. If I were trying to make the decision objectively, I confess to you that I would go the other way.
Yet actually making the decision, I cannot fathom going the other way. At all.
I keep hanging onto it because it makes so much sense in my head, but my heart just isn't there. I'm not quite ready to let go of it because this knowing that I have about the decision I'm making...it's different. There's nothing really in it that I can trust. No data to back it up. I'm a girl who likes to have my data. I like to be able to look at you and explain myself, to tell you why I'm doing what I'm doing and why it makes sense.
Today, I can't. It is completely, absolutely, thoroughly illogical to choose the way that I am choosing, but at the same time, it is completely, absolutely, thoroughly right. I believe, at least today, that it is the choice that God wants me to make.
I comfort myself in a time like this by believing that one day, it will make sense. One day, I will understand what I do not currently understand, and I will see why this makes sense. I will understand why God has directed me to go this way and not that one. I believe that there are things about this decision that I can't see right now, perhaps because just a little ways down this road, there are doors that haven't opened yet. So I don't know, I can't know, everything that this path holds for me.
The only thing I know, I already know for certain, is its peace.
And that's enough for me to follow an illogical God into a great unknown.