God is Right

There have been a couple of times in my life when I have struggled to do the things that my heart has been pulling me to do. 

That's the nice way of saying that there have been times in my life when I have been absolutely certain what God is asking me to do, and I haven't done it. 

There are a couple of reasons for this, usually. 

First, there are my own insecurities. Often, the things that God asks us to do go very much against the things that we're comfortable doing. Just think of all of the characters in the Bible who weren't afraid to tell God exactly why they were not the right person for the job (Moses, for example). For me, I just kind of hold that all internally and talk myself out of whatever because you know, I'm not really so sure about my abilities to do that well. I'm embarrassed about what it might require of me. I'm reminded of all of the failures I've had at that particular thing. Whatever. 

When I talk about this, what comes to my mind most notably is a handful of persons God has absolutely, unequivocally, without hesitation put on my heart to pray with. Not to pray for, but to pray with. Right there, in that moment. And I let me talk myself out of it because something inside of me felt an awkwardness that I just was not able to overcome. 

And I have regretted those moments (and I can name every one of them) ever since. 

Second, there are times when I struggle to believe God. There are times when He tells me I'm ready for something that I don't feel ready for. He assures me that He will be with me, but it's still hard to take that step and go standing out there on that ledge. 

I have no actual reason to believe that He wouldn't be with me. The entire testimony of my life is that God is with me, even when I haven't known it in the moment. If I were to write down all of the ways He has held me, loved me, protected me, guided me, etc. over the course of my 40 years, then, to borrow a phrase, all of the books in the world would not hold the story. 

Still, when He tells me I'm ready and I don't feel ready, it's easy for me to justify to myself that yes, I understand that God is ready, but I'm not quite there yet. And too often, I convince myself that that's okay. 

What's really going on, I think, is that I don't trust myself to hold onto Him. I'm not sure I have the faith to cling to that promise. I'm not sure my mind is capable of not forgetting when the real tests, trials, and moments come. 

And I have regretted those moments ever since, too. 

Because here's the truth, and the testimony of our lives and even our failures testify to it: 

God is right, whether we obey or not. (Lamentations 1:18)

He's right. Period. He doesn't call us to things we can't handle (though He often calls us to things we cannot handle without Him) and He doesn't ask us to do things we're not created for, whether we feel ready or capable or confident or not. He's right. 

Those holy moments I've missed in my life through my own hesitation, insecurity, or weakness...I'm never getting those back. And every time I think about them, about the ways that I failed and the things that I missed, I know how holy those moments would have been. I know the amazing power of God that would have been there...that was there. I know how they would add something beautiful to the testimony He's already writing in me. I know these things. In hindsight. 

That's why I regret them. 

And yet, God is still good anyway. And He is still good to me anyway. And all I can do at this point is to trust that something beautiful will come out of even this, some really cool part of my testimony, and work harder to remember in the moments that are yet to come that God is right. 

And I don't need any more regrets.