Trusting God

There is a prayer that you pray when you trust in God...and one that you pray when you don't. 

I learned that lesson the hard way (again) this past week, as I found myself awake in pure agony, trying to remember how to pray at all. 

Some days, the prayers come easy. Honestly, there doesn't feel like there's a lot at stake with them. It's just you and God, talking about things, confident in what's going to happen next, Nothing life-changing is on the line; just a basic, daily affirmation that you still love God and most important, He still loves you. And life seems certain and tomorrow seems promised and the whole of creation seems "very good." 

And then, suddenly, it's not very good, and the prayers don't come as easy any more.

Because you start to understand your own weakness, your own frailty. You start to question whether you know God at all. You know in your heart that He can, but all of a sudden in these moments, you start to wonder if He will, and the even hint of a possibility that He won't is absolutely paralyzing. 

How can you pray when you're paralyzed? You can hope only that the Spirit is groaning on your behalf.

Hope...because in that moment, it feels like you no longer trust. 

The longer I think about whether or not I trust God in the moments that aren't easy, the more I realize that I do. I do still trust Him. It's me that I don't trust. 

I don't trust me to know what God is thinking. I don't trust me to know how to pray. I don't trust me to know what the outcome should be. 

I don't trust me to know God well enough to be God myself, to know that I am in agreement with Him because I know what I would do, but I suddenly understand that what I would do may not be what He would do. 

I don't trust me enough to know that I would keep trusting God. 

And that's what nearly paralyzes me. 

But at the end of the day, here's where I settle: I come to understand that the fact that I even have these questions, the fact that I have this inner dialogue with myself at all, the fact that I am concerned about this...means that I still trust Him. 

If I didn't, it wouldn't matter to me that I seem to have forgotten how to pray. 

If I am still seeking God, even when He seems impossible to find, then there's something inside of me that still loves Him, even when I don't understand. 

Some days, friends, that's what faith looks like.