The Year As We Know It

So did this year suck? 

That's a difficult question to answer. We are drawn by the illusions of time and pain to say that of course it sucked. It was a hard year. And yet, if you scroll through most of our social media feeds, you'll see that the whole year didn't suck. Maybe just parts of it did. Maybe just a few things - a few big things. Yet, the whole weight of the calendar, all twelve pages of it, just feels so heavy. 

We are a people who do not deal well with ambivalence - the tension of feeling two opposite things at the same time. And we are a people who spend a lot of time dwelling on the surface and trying simply to pick one or the other because it's easier. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? 

I'm fine. 

I'm good. Things are good. Happy to be here. Blessed. Doing my best. Having a day. Whatever it is. Not everything is okay, but even as we're thinking about the things that are not okay, there's something in our spirit that is pulling us toward the things that are. And if we were to focus on the things that are okay, which we usually do out of social niceties, there's something in our spirit that reminds us that not everything is okay right now. 

The truth is, we live complicated lives. Lives that cannot be compartmentalized one way or another. Most of us don't know what to do with that, and many of us are troubled by it. Why can't life just be this or that? Why can't we ever figure out what we're feeling? Why can't we ever know what our lives are really like? 

If we look back at the year that we've had, really look at it, we will see both the good and the bad. And it feels like a betrayal to focus on one thing or another. 

Yet, it's actually destroying us to not be able to do this. 

Most of us settle on the bad. That's why we say our year sucked. Because we don't want to ignore the heavy things. But if we ignore the good things, then we live lives of perpetual suckdom and grumble every year and look back and think we've hated our lives. That's not good, either. And if we try to paint over our lives by focusing on only the good things, we live aloof - separated by some kind of distance from the things that are truly shaping us, too, just because they are the harder things. That's not good. 

What kind of year did I have? 

I turned 40 and was very excited to do so. I was convinced that this was going to be the best year of my life. Then, I lost my independence. Then, I lost two best friends. Then, I lost a measure of my health. But I also got a new friend. And I weaned off a couple of medications I have been on forever that I no longer need. And I got some good news and better test results. And I settled into my new role at work...and I was rejected for an opportunity to do something else that I love to do. And I connected with a new church, but I missed all of the connection class opportunities, so I still have more questions than answers. And I have a few good friends, but I've lost some, too, and I find myself in a lot of spaces where I don't know anyone at all, so I feel a little anonymous some days. But I also found out how many of my neighbors have been watching me for longer than I've known it, and I've come to know a few new folks this year and had some good conversations on porches. And I've made some good food, and I've found a few new foods that I decidedly don't like. And I've heard some good music. And I've tried to figure out what to do with myself. And I've missed some opportunities, but I've walked right into others that I wasn't even expecting. 

And there's something inside of me that wants to say, yeah, this year has sucked. It's a year that took so much from me. My losses this year have been huge. I will never forget this year's losses. Never. 

But I had some really good times this year, too. Some really good victories. Some fullness of hope. Some confident assurance. Some holy moments. And I can't let myself forget those, either. I can't let myself overshadow the gains with losses. I don't want to be miserable just because part of this year sucked. 

So what kind of year did I have? Why, the same kind that you had, I bet. And I'll tell you tomorrow what that means.