Not Ready

Christmas is sneaking up on me this year. By which I mean to say, Christmas is this week. How did that happen? 

I am one of those persons who starts planning for Christmas early, who usually has the shopping done by the end of October, who puts up all of the decorations right after Thanksgiving, who spends Advent soaking in all of the beautiful things that make the Christmas season special so that by the time this week gets here, there's a certain peace that has settled into my soul. A readiness for the season. A new ability to breathe. 

But not this year. 

This year...this year has been hard. 

At the time when I would have been doing the bulk of my Christmas shopping, I was spending my savings to try to save the life of my best friend (Sister Mary Thunder), only to have her die a couple of days later anyway from a fluke occurrence that none of us could have expected.

That same day, that very same day, my good ear ruptured for the first time and shortly after, a wicked upper respiratory infection set in that took more than a month to kick out of my body. 

I brought home a new puppy, which prevented me from putting up the kind of Christmas decorations that I normally do. Puppies and shiny balls do not mix. And I do not want to spend the whole Christmas season yelling at the puppy to leave things alone. 

When I would have been rolling my running playlist over to Christmas music and tuning in to the journey to Bethlehem, I wasn't even allowed to run because of where I'm at with vestibular rehab, which also, by the way, has re-handicapped my driving abilities that I was just starting to get back, which means I haven't been to church at all since this whole difficult season started to unfold. 

Then, as December started creeping in, I got buried in an uncharacteristically heavy stretch at work and all of a sudden, I get a day off, take a breath, look up, and...it's Christmas. 

Already. 

To be honest with you, I feel a little lost. I'm not ready this year, in my spirit, and I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to take the very few little hours I have left before the most joyous moment in human history and prepare myself for what's happening. I don't know how to get into the space that I normally enjoy. 

I'm trying to figure out, just a few days before Christmas, what it even means to me this year. What it looks like. What it holds. 

I'm afraid...I'm going to miss it. 

But I wouldn't be the first one.