I've been thinking a lot about David and the Psalms, and I have a question. Perhaps some of you can help.
It seems to me that every other book of the Bible is written to tell a story. God put His story on the hearts of these writers, and they sat purposely to write a message for not only their people, but the generations to follow. Psalms does not seem to follow this pattern. Instead, we get a glimpse of David's (and some others') personal prayer life. Why, and how, so?
Was David setting out to write his prayers for publication? If that's the case, doesn't it directly contradict Jesus's later proclamation not to pray for attention? (Even though David came first, I think it is logical to assume that a man after God's own heart would not have a different directive than God was intending all along.)
Was he, as an appointed ruler, followed so closely by scribes and other officials that they wrote down everything he said and thus created Psalms for him by simply doing their jobs? What a horrible life to not even be able to pray alone!
Maybe he was like me and often found it difficult to pray. Many nights, when I cannot focus my thoughts merely by thinking of Him, I pull out a journal and write my prayers. Did David, too, have this habit?
I just wonder, is all. In the midst of the law and the narratives, prophecy and the messages God sent directly to His people, we have a prayer book. How did it come about?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
No Longer
I find that I no longer wish for the lives of others, no longer desire what they have. Their lives are theirs; mine is mine. God has set aside my own unique set of blessings and challenges, and I look forward to each one of them. Instead of looking at someone else's story and longing for that, I am able instead to connect with their story and use it to fuel my own passion and desire for my own best life.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Lord.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Commentary on Fear
We, as a people, spend a great deal of time being afraid. Sometimes, we don’t call it “fear.” We call it lesser things like “worry” or “anxiety,” but let’s face it: it’s fear. Fear of the future, fear of the present, fear of the past, fear of others, fear of ourselves. Very rarely, fear of God.
There is such a thing as healthy fear, and I’ll get to that in a minute. But there are two primary types of crippling fear – the spontaneous and the pre-conceived notion.
Spontaneous fear, there is nothing we can do about. It can sometimes accurately be called “startle.” For example, I awoke in the middle of a dark night to make a bathroom run. While making proper use of the facilities, a camel cricket jumped INTO my pants. That’s a whole new kind of fear right there, the kind that can keep you up the rest of the night unless you take control of it.
The only way to handle spontaneous fear is to give yourself a proper moment, then move on. You can’t predict it, so you can’t prevent it, but you can limit its ability to take over your mind.
The other kind of dangerous fear is the pre-conceived notion, for lack of a better term. This is where you know something could potentially happen, so you fixate on it and ignore all possible other events.
Recently, I took a family trip to Tennessee to visit my grandmother. It’s a trip I rarely make, and one of the reasons for that is the bounty of snake stories she tells. I don’t like snakes (neither does she), so why put myself in a place where they are highly probable to appear? Even for the love of Grandma, it’s a tough situation to consciously submit to.
I stayed mostly in the house the first couple of days, avoiding the wildlife outside. When the puppy I took with me needed to go outside, I never went alone. Sometimes, I didn’t take her at all. I would not risk running into one of these things and ruining my vacation!
Late the second night, someone else took the puppy outside to potty before bed. Night was falling, but the security light illuminated just enough space to see…the water moccasin. Grandma took the hoe and chopped it in three pieces, then left it in the driveway for identification by sunlight the next day. I have to admit, I had trouble falling asleep that night.
I knew it! I told myself. That lousy snake showed up and ruined everything, just like I knew it would! Why, God? Why can’t I just enjoy a weekend at Grandma’s?
Then I realized – before that snake slithered across the driveway, even if it had never shown up at all, it ruined my time with Grandma before I even left Franklin. The mere thought of it, nay, obsession, took over any joy I could have had in those first few days. It stole those precious moments.
The next day, I sat out on the patio and walked down to the lake. If I saw one, I saw one, but I couldn’t let it keep me inside any longer. Fear is not a good way to live.
This second type of fear can also make us very irrational. I always slept each night with a series of lights on (and for awhile, slept with the TV on in case the power went out and the light stopped working). It took me two decades to figure out how absolutely irrational that was and to change it. (Have you found the flaw yet?)
Yet for all the time we spend being afraid, we rarely experience healthy fear. Healthy fear, as in the fear of God, is not really fear at all; it is more deference. It is respect. It is knowing that what we face is bigger or more powerful than ourselves, so we take a step back in humility.
Fear of God is not hiding under a rock waiting for lightning to strike. It’s not continually working harder to avoid the pit of Hell for all eternity. It’s not even the small fear of being caught, of peeking around every corner before doing something bad, just to make sure He’s not watching.
Fear of God is rooted in love. It’s stepping out into the open and humbling yourself to His care. It’s trusting Him to know you, but to love you anyway – a virtue higher than any that most of us can find in ourselves. It’s refusing to do bad whether or not you think He’s watching because you understand His greatness relative to your flesh. It’s recognizing His significance in contrast to your own relative insignificance.
So you stand, or kneel, in deference to His power, love, mercy, omniscience, grace, and so on and so on ad nauseum.
That’s the difference. It’s just the opposite of what we consider fear. Instead of living in constant obsession, fearing the possible, you free your mind through healthy fear. You free yourself into something Greater, rather than painting yourself into a corner.
Isn’t it weird to consider that the right fear can actually set us free?
There is such a thing as healthy fear, and I’ll get to that in a minute. But there are two primary types of crippling fear – the spontaneous and the pre-conceived notion.
Spontaneous fear, there is nothing we can do about. It can sometimes accurately be called “startle.” For example, I awoke in the middle of a dark night to make a bathroom run. While making proper use of the facilities, a camel cricket jumped INTO my pants. That’s a whole new kind of fear right there, the kind that can keep you up the rest of the night unless you take control of it.
The only way to handle spontaneous fear is to give yourself a proper moment, then move on. You can’t predict it, so you can’t prevent it, but you can limit its ability to take over your mind.
The other kind of dangerous fear is the pre-conceived notion, for lack of a better term. This is where you know something could potentially happen, so you fixate on it and ignore all possible other events.
Recently, I took a family trip to Tennessee to visit my grandmother. It’s a trip I rarely make, and one of the reasons for that is the bounty of snake stories she tells. I don’t like snakes (neither does she), so why put myself in a place where they are highly probable to appear? Even for the love of Grandma, it’s a tough situation to consciously submit to.
I stayed mostly in the house the first couple of days, avoiding the wildlife outside. When the puppy I took with me needed to go outside, I never went alone. Sometimes, I didn’t take her at all. I would not risk running into one of these things and ruining my vacation!
Late the second night, someone else took the puppy outside to potty before bed. Night was falling, but the security light illuminated just enough space to see…the water moccasin. Grandma took the hoe and chopped it in three pieces, then left it in the driveway for identification by sunlight the next day. I have to admit, I had trouble falling asleep that night.
I knew it! I told myself. That lousy snake showed up and ruined everything, just like I knew it would! Why, God? Why can’t I just enjoy a weekend at Grandma’s?
Then I realized – before that snake slithered across the driveway, even if it had never shown up at all, it ruined my time with Grandma before I even left Franklin. The mere thought of it, nay, obsession, took over any joy I could have had in those first few days. It stole those precious moments.
The next day, I sat out on the patio and walked down to the lake. If I saw one, I saw one, but I couldn’t let it keep me inside any longer. Fear is not a good way to live.
This second type of fear can also make us very irrational. I always slept each night with a series of lights on (and for awhile, slept with the TV on in case the power went out and the light stopped working). It took me two decades to figure out how absolutely irrational that was and to change it. (Have you found the flaw yet?)
Yet for all the time we spend being afraid, we rarely experience healthy fear. Healthy fear, as in the fear of God, is not really fear at all; it is more deference. It is respect. It is knowing that what we face is bigger or more powerful than ourselves, so we take a step back in humility.
Fear of God is not hiding under a rock waiting for lightning to strike. It’s not continually working harder to avoid the pit of Hell for all eternity. It’s not even the small fear of being caught, of peeking around every corner before doing something bad, just to make sure He’s not watching.
Fear of God is rooted in love. It’s stepping out into the open and humbling yourself to His care. It’s trusting Him to know you, but to love you anyway – a virtue higher than any that most of us can find in ourselves. It’s refusing to do bad whether or not you think He’s watching because you understand His greatness relative to your flesh. It’s recognizing His significance in contrast to your own relative insignificance.
So you stand, or kneel, in deference to His power, love, mercy, omniscience, grace, and so on and so on ad nauseum.
That’s the difference. It’s just the opposite of what we consider fear. Instead of living in constant obsession, fearing the possible, you free your mind through healthy fear. You free yourself into something Greater, rather than painting yourself into a corner.
Isn’t it weird to consider that the right fear can actually set us free?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wrestling with the Heart
My heart is in a troubled place, torn between freedom and captivity, between the past and the future, between God and the world. It’s an interesting place to try and process.
When, as a little girl, I dreamed of all the things I might do when I grew up, of all that I might be. Compared with the fantasies of others, it was highly realistic. I didn’t dream of going to the moon or being the president or walking on water. No, I wanted to go to college, graduate, land a successful job, find a husband, and have a family. It’s just that simple. But I might as well have dreamed about being an astronaut.
Life saw things differently for me. A lot of people make good, strong friendships throughout their years, growing up in a wonderful network of fellowship. That was not possible for me, not given my situation. So I find myself now, at age 24, with many acquaintances, but few friends. Actually, there is no one that I “hang out” with. And in pain, self-protection, and anger – that never used to bother me. But as I find my freedom, it is kind of a hard pill to swallow.
Here I am, 15 months after graduating college with an impressive academic record, and I find myself unemployed and alone. It is a life I am highly unsatisfied with, frustrated to the point of tears. I cry often over shattered dreams, of things that have not worked out as I would have liked.
Yet, as disappointed as I am over shattered dreams, I am also cognizant of the fact that God is still doing wonderful things in my life. I can’t imagine another path for myself. If life had not gone precisely the way it has, I would not know the pain of healing that I now deal with everyday. It’s a beautiful feeling. It’s like peeling the scab off a wound and exposing it to fresh air – it stings, but it also feels surprisingly good, freeing.
My freedom grows more concrete every day. I am able to think about things in a whole new way, to consider more possibilities and really open myself up to whatever it is God is (slowly) unfolding in my life. Sometimes, it even seems clear that He is purposely withholding a job so that I can focus on telling my story, on the healing process He’s begun within me and wants so badly to finish, now that I will let Him.
Physically, freedom reigns, too. Mom has a new boyfriend, and they spend quite a lot of time together, which leaves me home alone to “nest.” That’s what I call it, anyway, and it’s something I haven’t ever done and didn’t notice I was doing until I’d already done it. I’ve never had a place called home, but the more time I find myself alone in this place, I wonder, “Why can’t I make it more comfortable for me? Why can’t I make it conducive to living here and growing here?” So I change little things around the house, clean up here and there, and really just have a whole different vibe in my body when I walk around this place and think of it as my HOME. (And, I like the alone time to spread my wings a little and just experiment with the great things inside of me that God is revealing, one by one. Though, I am not condoning alone time. I’d still like some friends.)
But what I am also finding is that if you want something, go out and get it. There shouldn’t be anything stopping you when what you want is good and holy. I didn’t feel very well today, struggling with something I am not quite ready to reveal. But there was in my heart some things that I wanted to get accomplished, so I did them. When you’re in the house long enough, you start to get afraid of outside. As a kid, bugs and dirt did not bother me, but now, the thought of one gnat keeps me inside sometimes. It’s that strong of a hold when you lock yourself away. But I needed to take some photos, capture some images of sacred places before they are totally destroyed (as they are already destroyed a bit by urban development). So I loaded my big dog, Kiira, in the car, and we went hiking through the woods. For nearly half an hour. I wasn’t scared or grossed out, and I didn’t want to come home. And I didn’t feel sick in the woods like I have in this house for the past few days. Other stuff, I accomplished, too.
I’m waiting for God to move in my life. I want Him to move and bring about the glory that will come to Him through me. I want a job. I want a husband. I want a family. I want friends. And I’m willing to do whatever God requires to get that. I’ve even been thinking very seriously lately about moving. In my head, I narrowed it down to Oregon or South Carolina – places with good weather. But I also was told about a possible opportunity last week in Colorado. So you just never know.
I used to see myself staying here forever. Growing up and staying the same and just settling in for the familiar life. That seemed beautiful to me. It doesn’t any more. The only thing that seems beautiful is to get what God is giving, to take what He offers. And to embrace my freedom, gather my strength, and do more than just live another day.
When, as a little girl, I dreamed of all the things I might do when I grew up, of all that I might be. Compared with the fantasies of others, it was highly realistic. I didn’t dream of going to the moon or being the president or walking on water. No, I wanted to go to college, graduate, land a successful job, find a husband, and have a family. It’s just that simple. But I might as well have dreamed about being an astronaut.
Life saw things differently for me. A lot of people make good, strong friendships throughout their years, growing up in a wonderful network of fellowship. That was not possible for me, not given my situation. So I find myself now, at age 24, with many acquaintances, but few friends. Actually, there is no one that I “hang out” with. And in pain, self-protection, and anger – that never used to bother me. But as I find my freedom, it is kind of a hard pill to swallow.
Here I am, 15 months after graduating college with an impressive academic record, and I find myself unemployed and alone. It is a life I am highly unsatisfied with, frustrated to the point of tears. I cry often over shattered dreams, of things that have not worked out as I would have liked.
Yet, as disappointed as I am over shattered dreams, I am also cognizant of the fact that God is still doing wonderful things in my life. I can’t imagine another path for myself. If life had not gone precisely the way it has, I would not know the pain of healing that I now deal with everyday. It’s a beautiful feeling. It’s like peeling the scab off a wound and exposing it to fresh air – it stings, but it also feels surprisingly good, freeing.
My freedom grows more concrete every day. I am able to think about things in a whole new way, to consider more possibilities and really open myself up to whatever it is God is (slowly) unfolding in my life. Sometimes, it even seems clear that He is purposely withholding a job so that I can focus on telling my story, on the healing process He’s begun within me and wants so badly to finish, now that I will let Him.
Physically, freedom reigns, too. Mom has a new boyfriend, and they spend quite a lot of time together, which leaves me home alone to “nest.” That’s what I call it, anyway, and it’s something I haven’t ever done and didn’t notice I was doing until I’d already done it. I’ve never had a place called home, but the more time I find myself alone in this place, I wonder, “Why can’t I make it more comfortable for me? Why can’t I make it conducive to living here and growing here?” So I change little things around the house, clean up here and there, and really just have a whole different vibe in my body when I walk around this place and think of it as my HOME. (And, I like the alone time to spread my wings a little and just experiment with the great things inside of me that God is revealing, one by one. Though, I am not condoning alone time. I’d still like some friends.)
But what I am also finding is that if you want something, go out and get it. There shouldn’t be anything stopping you when what you want is good and holy. I didn’t feel very well today, struggling with something I am not quite ready to reveal. But there was in my heart some things that I wanted to get accomplished, so I did them. When you’re in the house long enough, you start to get afraid of outside. As a kid, bugs and dirt did not bother me, but now, the thought of one gnat keeps me inside sometimes. It’s that strong of a hold when you lock yourself away. But I needed to take some photos, capture some images of sacred places before they are totally destroyed (as they are already destroyed a bit by urban development). So I loaded my big dog, Kiira, in the car, and we went hiking through the woods. For nearly half an hour. I wasn’t scared or grossed out, and I didn’t want to come home. And I didn’t feel sick in the woods like I have in this house for the past few days. Other stuff, I accomplished, too.
I’m waiting for God to move in my life. I want Him to move and bring about the glory that will come to Him through me. I want a job. I want a husband. I want a family. I want friends. And I’m willing to do whatever God requires to get that. I’ve even been thinking very seriously lately about moving. In my head, I narrowed it down to Oregon or South Carolina – places with good weather. But I also was told about a possible opportunity last week in Colorado. So you just never know.
I used to see myself staying here forever. Growing up and staying the same and just settling in for the familiar life. That seemed beautiful to me. It doesn’t any more. The only thing that seems beautiful is to get what God is giving, to take what He offers. And to embrace my freedom, gather my strength, and do more than just live another day.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
New Heart and the Center of Peace
I need to get a couple of things off my heart, if that’s ok.
First, it seems to me that some people tend to get mired in the past. That’s ok, but it just doesn’t work for me. Because the problem is – they are not mired in their past, but in mine. Yes, for several years, I struggled with illness that limited me in many ways. But those days are mostly gone. With the right diagnosis and the right treatment, life has been slowly getting back to normal. And today’s reality is this: seldom does health prevent me any more from doing what I need or want to do. Sure, there are days when allergies get the best of me or fatigue sets in, but doesn’t EVERYONE have those days? I think they do. So you can understand why it pains me so much to miss out on something due to allergies or a simple case of bronchitis (which I’ve gotten twice a year almost my whole life) or something similar, piddly, and normal…only to have someone look at me and say, “Yeah, but you’re always sick.” Seriously? Have these people not been paying attention? I’m NOT always sick. I am always BLESSED. And it is ok for me to come down with a seasonal something and not have it marred by the past. It just seems the equivalent of you accidentally peeing your pants caught in a traffic jam (which could be normal, depending on who you are) and someone you knew in preschool happens to see you and declares, loudly and publicly, “Yeah, but you always pee your pants.” Maybe you haven’t since you were 3, but for some reason, that is all they will ever know or expect from you. And that’s tough. It’s really tough when people look at you, get stuck in your past, and never expect anything better. Because then, despite how much better you are, despite days upon days and months upon months of success, they will never notice that. They will wait for the next time you pee your pants, then use that as evidence to support their point.
Please, my friends, acknowledge the healing power of God in my life and do not hold me to my past.
Second, I want to talk a little bit about calm, relating to the kind of peace that I have found. The storms here yesterday were rather impressive. For while, I had a deep and profound fear of storms that I couldn’t quite place my finger on (and honestly? I’m still not too fond of lightning). As the storms rolled through yesterday, I began in peace. That is because God has removed from me the spirit of fear as of the past many months, and most of the time, I can grasp the peace that He offers in its place. But as time drug on, I found anxiety trying to settle in. And it suddenly struck me what was going on! The anxiety came from a lack of a calm center. All I could see was the storm, all I knew was the raging winds and hammering rain and constant thunder. So I felt myself being tossed about, as if exposed. When I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and realized that everything around me and in me stayed firmly planted, that the bed did not move, the desk did not move, the floor and the ceiling and the walls did not move…it was then that I realized no matter the storm outside, the inside stayed stable. It had peace and firmness. And then, I wasn’t afraid any more. That is what the peace of God does to a person. It gives her a firm, stable place where she knows that nothing is moving, nothing is changing, and no matter how things outside of that peace may be tossed around, nothing inside moves. God plants Himself firmly in the heart, and it is from here that peace and calmness generate.
Finally, I love my new self. Not mired in the past. Free from the heavy burdens that for so long, I have carried. Unafraid to try, even though success is never a guarantee, since the only failure is never to try. And yeah, I have had deep, deep sadness here lately, but it is probably not as you think. From my position of healing, I’ve undertaken the project of writing my story, preparing my autobiography. So many stories out there will tell you all the bad things that can happen, but I want to go deeper and include the healing, as well. People need to know that no matter how bad it is, there is healing out there and it is available to all. God is available to all. As I go through my past, putting words to pain, the sadness does come. For the first time, my heart responds honestly to my own story, which is SO cool. But the sadness does not come alone. It is not the same kind of sadness that draws people to hit rock bottom, for beneath my sadness, there are no rocks. It lays on a bed of hope, strength, peace, and healing. So it is really a dichotomy of feeling – the very low lows of the honest heart, but not without the wonderful gifts and blessings of God to even it out. I’m just allowing myself to feel all of those things and not be afraid. It’s really cool.
That’s what is on my heart this morning. Thank you for letting me share.
First, it seems to me that some people tend to get mired in the past. That’s ok, but it just doesn’t work for me. Because the problem is – they are not mired in their past, but in mine. Yes, for several years, I struggled with illness that limited me in many ways. But those days are mostly gone. With the right diagnosis and the right treatment, life has been slowly getting back to normal. And today’s reality is this: seldom does health prevent me any more from doing what I need or want to do. Sure, there are days when allergies get the best of me or fatigue sets in, but doesn’t EVERYONE have those days? I think they do. So you can understand why it pains me so much to miss out on something due to allergies or a simple case of bronchitis (which I’ve gotten twice a year almost my whole life) or something similar, piddly, and normal…only to have someone look at me and say, “Yeah, but you’re always sick.” Seriously? Have these people not been paying attention? I’m NOT always sick. I am always BLESSED. And it is ok for me to come down with a seasonal something and not have it marred by the past. It just seems the equivalent of you accidentally peeing your pants caught in a traffic jam (which could be normal, depending on who you are) and someone you knew in preschool happens to see you and declares, loudly and publicly, “Yeah, but you always pee your pants.” Maybe you haven’t since you were 3, but for some reason, that is all they will ever know or expect from you. And that’s tough. It’s really tough when people look at you, get stuck in your past, and never expect anything better. Because then, despite how much better you are, despite days upon days and months upon months of success, they will never notice that. They will wait for the next time you pee your pants, then use that as evidence to support their point.
Please, my friends, acknowledge the healing power of God in my life and do not hold me to my past.
Second, I want to talk a little bit about calm, relating to the kind of peace that I have found. The storms here yesterday were rather impressive. For while, I had a deep and profound fear of storms that I couldn’t quite place my finger on (and honestly? I’m still not too fond of lightning). As the storms rolled through yesterday, I began in peace. That is because God has removed from me the spirit of fear as of the past many months, and most of the time, I can grasp the peace that He offers in its place. But as time drug on, I found anxiety trying to settle in. And it suddenly struck me what was going on! The anxiety came from a lack of a calm center. All I could see was the storm, all I knew was the raging winds and hammering rain and constant thunder. So I felt myself being tossed about, as if exposed. When I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and realized that everything around me and in me stayed firmly planted, that the bed did not move, the desk did not move, the floor and the ceiling and the walls did not move…it was then that I realized no matter the storm outside, the inside stayed stable. It had peace and firmness. And then, I wasn’t afraid any more. That is what the peace of God does to a person. It gives her a firm, stable place where she knows that nothing is moving, nothing is changing, and no matter how things outside of that peace may be tossed around, nothing inside moves. God plants Himself firmly in the heart, and it is from here that peace and calmness generate.
Finally, I love my new self. Not mired in the past. Free from the heavy burdens that for so long, I have carried. Unafraid to try, even though success is never a guarantee, since the only failure is never to try. And yeah, I have had deep, deep sadness here lately, but it is probably not as you think. From my position of healing, I’ve undertaken the project of writing my story, preparing my autobiography. So many stories out there will tell you all the bad things that can happen, but I want to go deeper and include the healing, as well. People need to know that no matter how bad it is, there is healing out there and it is available to all. God is available to all. As I go through my past, putting words to pain, the sadness does come. For the first time, my heart responds honestly to my own story, which is SO cool. But the sadness does not come alone. It is not the same kind of sadness that draws people to hit rock bottom, for beneath my sadness, there are no rocks. It lays on a bed of hope, strength, peace, and healing. So it is really a dichotomy of feeling – the very low lows of the honest heart, but not without the wonderful gifts and blessings of God to even it out. I’m just allowing myself to feel all of those things and not be afraid. It’s really cool.
That’s what is on my heart this morning. Thank you for letting me share.
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