Now is the winter of my discontent. It's amazing how one tiny change in my life has made me consider the bigger things. Since I cut my hair almost two weeks ago, my mind has not stopped churning. And it's given me quite a bit of clarity about a lot of things.
First, a note about the hair. I've cut my hair before. Those who know me know I used to keep it rather short. But this cut is different. It isn't a defense mechanism. It isn't an outward expression of the harsh internal workings of my being. (C'mon - like you didn't all know that was the reason for the short, spiky do.) It isn't the longer, unkept manifestation I've had for months while growing it out, saying "I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet." The hair that fell to the floor took a lot of weight off my shoulders with it. I looked in the mirror and I saw something new - a beautiful young woman, emerging firmly into womanhood with a mix of confidence and timidity. Could it be? Could I be a...woman? And enjoying it?
And it really changed my whole perspective on things. I felt this tug on my heart like God was just working on me, telling me that now we are putting the outside together, so let us clean up the inside, too. I began to see clearly.
Oh, how I have labored to drag the past with me! I have been yoked to the memories, to the pain and trauma of the past. Sometimes, memories sneak up on me. There's nothing I can do about that, I don't think. In a moment like that, I can't stop the memory from flooding over me. But must they have defined me for so long?
It's a victory for the abuser over the abused. For years, I have been dragging everything with me, pulling it along because I believed the lie. Even if I was not consciously aware of what was going on, I was subconsciously believing that THIS is what defined me, that this was my truth. If it didn't hold some fundamental key to my being, it wouldn't have been so important to bring with me into the future. The heavy burden has been choking me, pulling on the reins and holding me from destiny, pulling me back.
You'd think that when I found God 8 years ago, something would have changed for me then. You'd think I would have found myself less yoked or at least, less burdened. But when I looked for God in my life this past week, you know where I found Him? Sitting on the pile of memories, adding to my burden. I let Him into my life, but only as something else to be dragged around. Just something else in my bag of tricks, something I can use to answer when others say "tell me about yourself." But I don't think that's really where God needs to be in my life. No, He should have a more prominent place.
In all my flesh-based glory, I invited Him out of the pile. I invited Him to help me pull. To share my yoke, as Jesus so often talked about. And true to God's nature, He came. Because God will only do in our lives what we ask of Him.
And so, having repositioned the Divine in my life, I looked to my right and together, we took a step forward, God and I, yoked together and dragging the memories behind it. But not a nanosecond had passed before He stopped and looked at me, with that tenderhearted look in His eye and said, "This is stupid."
It was a look that said more. It said "I'll help you pull if that's where you want me in your life. But this is really stupid. You don't need all this junk."
And you know what? He's right. I don't need it any more. I am a strong young woman, on a solid path, and it is time for me to define myself. Forget the lies. Forget the bullcrap. It's time for this little girl to speak for herself.
But what to do with the pile of lies? I tried leaving it, just letting go and taking off down the path with God. But that just doesn't feel right. I feel like everything has its place, somewhere in my life's history where it belongs, but I don't know where that is or how to get it all there, or even if it all goes to the same place. Maybe it's like putting laundry away - a sock here, some shirts there, a memory here, a pain there. I just don't know. But leaving it all in the middle of the roadway (or even in the ditch) just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I just don't know what the right thing is.
And so I want to go forward, but I also feel like God may draw me back, may bring me to do the right thing by the past, get some closure, then press forward (though I honestly have no understanding of this).
But there are some things I am taking back for myself. For instance, I will not be spending the holidays with my dad's side of the family. When I am with them, my father is back in my life (not to mention, they only use me as a surrogate for him; there is no real love there, I don't believe). Having lost so many of his belongings in the flood, I have realized that I now have the freedom to decide what role he plays in my life, if any. So I am going to take some time and digest that and make my own decision about where he (and his family) fit in to the future.
That is just one example.
These past 5 days, I have been alone. My mom took off to my grandma's two states away to help her recover from surgery, so it has been my and my God. And I have struggled a little bit with what I have found. I have found strong discontent and a desire for more. And I have found just how much I have been limiting myself (and God) by requiring this stuff to stay in my life. I don't know what I will do now. Maybe God will have the answers. For now, I'm just done with the yoke.
"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:25-26)
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Prayers for Babylon
And work for the peace and prosperity of Babylon. Pray to the Lord for that city where you are held captive, for if Babylon has peace, so will you. -- Jeremiah 29:7
As I was reading a few days ago, this verse hit me with thoughts of my mother racing through my head. She and I have not had what you might call the best relationship, and I have spent much of the past 23 years being angry with her. How could she treat me the way she did? How could she stand by and watch now, as I have struggled with my health for 5 years? How could she deny everything I've been through?
Her course manner and complete lack of compassion have always haunted me. She is the kind of person to which everything is overcome-able if you just try hard enough and want it badly enough. And if there is something wrong with you, it is obviously your shortcoming and not her problem, so why should she care? She has always liked to bully and guilt me into doing things, and she never lacks a suggestion why I should be something different than I am currently engaged in and exactly what it is I should be doing.
I have always felt like she's had me in a corner my whole life, trapped into doing whatever her desire might be. I've been living in captivity. And it has produced ill fruits - hatred.
But lately, things have been different. My mom hasn't changed; I just feel like perhaps I am coming to understand her better, to know where she's coming from. Is she right all the time? No. Absolutely not. Is she wrong all of the time? No. Not that either. But I can look at her now and see deeper than the surface I've always seen. I see turmoil. She is unhappy. She is unsettled. It is a place I know well from my own experience, and I can feel that resonating within me when I think of her now.
And so, I find myself praying for her peace. I wish for her the desires of her heart, those that would build her up and not tear her down. And I wish for her strength and endurance to fight the battles with darkness that she is currently engaged in. I see in her fear, the panic that is telling her to run away (which she talks about often), and I pray for calm, for her to find settlement and peace.
In praying for the captor, I have found freedom for the captive. Does this mean I've forgotten everything she's done (and that's quite a bit) and everything she is still doing? Nope. I recognize the capabilities that live within her (though I pray them gone, I doubt I will ever accept her restoration for my bitterness). But it does mean I have found what it is to live and walk in forgiveness.
Strangely enough, I even find that I am coming to have a soft spot in my heart for her. Indeed, I am beginning to love her. I even told her last night that I love her more and more each day.
So pray for Babylon. There, in your captivity, you may just find peace.
As I was reading a few days ago, this verse hit me with thoughts of my mother racing through my head. She and I have not had what you might call the best relationship, and I have spent much of the past 23 years being angry with her. How could she treat me the way she did? How could she stand by and watch now, as I have struggled with my health for 5 years? How could she deny everything I've been through?
Her course manner and complete lack of compassion have always haunted me. She is the kind of person to which everything is overcome-able if you just try hard enough and want it badly enough. And if there is something wrong with you, it is obviously your shortcoming and not her problem, so why should she care? She has always liked to bully and guilt me into doing things, and she never lacks a suggestion why I should be something different than I am currently engaged in and exactly what it is I should be doing.
I have always felt like she's had me in a corner my whole life, trapped into doing whatever her desire might be. I've been living in captivity. And it has produced ill fruits - hatred.
But lately, things have been different. My mom hasn't changed; I just feel like perhaps I am coming to understand her better, to know where she's coming from. Is she right all the time? No. Absolutely not. Is she wrong all of the time? No. Not that either. But I can look at her now and see deeper than the surface I've always seen. I see turmoil. She is unhappy. She is unsettled. It is a place I know well from my own experience, and I can feel that resonating within me when I think of her now.
And so, I find myself praying for her peace. I wish for her the desires of her heart, those that would build her up and not tear her down. And I wish for her strength and endurance to fight the battles with darkness that she is currently engaged in. I see in her fear, the panic that is telling her to run away (which she talks about often), and I pray for calm, for her to find settlement and peace.
In praying for the captor, I have found freedom for the captive. Does this mean I've forgotten everything she's done (and that's quite a bit) and everything she is still doing? Nope. I recognize the capabilities that live within her (though I pray them gone, I doubt I will ever accept her restoration for my bitterness). But it does mean I have found what it is to live and walk in forgiveness.
Strangely enough, I even find that I am coming to have a soft spot in my heart for her. Indeed, I am beginning to love her. I even told her last night that I love her more and more each day.
So pray for Babylon. There, in your captivity, you may just find peace.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Wilderness
I am finding that I am rather lonely, not to mention bored, and this is leading to some serious depression. Sure, there are other people around, but nobody that I'm really connecting with right now. It's a frustrating way to live.
I've not been to church in about 6 weeks. Something about being around all those other people just increases my loneliness. And it's not that I'm not loved there...I have great friendships with all kinds of people in my church. The problem, I guess, is that there's nobody else there in my stage of life. I am young, fresh out of college, unemployed, and single. The people nearest to me in age there are older and married, most with children. I just don't really connect with anyone. I'm trying to stay connected with the women's ministry, but even there, I still feel kind of like an outsider.
Despite my best efforts, I still cannot find a job. I'm really not picky - I have put in applications for everything from tech support to front office to executive director to cleaning. My medical condition prevents me from working in food services, and retail is unwilling to make accommodations for the health situation, so I'm stuck there. Since March, I have only had one interview. I just keep telling myself that God is going to put me where He wants me when He wants me there and that I need to just be patient, but with money running tight and the economy failing, that's wearing thin on my spirit. Not to mention that not having others to interact with on a daily basis is just adding to my loneliness. The only people I talk to in person now are my mom, the doctor, and my brother's family.
On top of that, I am having a minor health setback. Best guess right now is that I've developed some sort of ulcer; my upper stomach is quite unhappy.
Life is just one big, deep wilderness experience for me right now. I'd be lying if I said I understand. I'd be lying if I said it made sense to me. I thought my health crisis was my wilderness, but the healing process is turning out to be a million times worse, a million times lonelier and more depressing and just...worse. It's hard when I have the ability and the will, and I am trying my hardest to succeed and do well, and yet there is still something holding me back, something obviously more powerful than me.
I must add, though, that I am only mildly distressed. I am concerned, as most people are, about money. I worry about what's going to happen in January when I have to find new health insurance and pay out-of-pocket (if I still don't have a job). I worry about what's going to happen next year when my reserves of money run out and I still don't have a job. But at the same time, I really do believe there is a bigger plan, a plan bigger than my understanding.
I will also say this, and then I will stop. My faith is getting absolutely stronger every day. I am reading the Bible cover-to-cover and am currently nearing the end of Jeremiah, and I am just falling in love with my God over and over again. It is a deeper love than I ever thought possible, and there are just poignant little messages spread throughout that text that drive straight to my heart. Most recently, forgiveness and prayer has entered into that equation. I may write about that later, but not here.
So I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and overwhelmed and confused and lonely. Hoping this all pans out and that life turns around for me and the healing gets easier and more complete every day, instead of this waffling back and forth that I'm going through right now.
And now that I'm in tears thinking of all this, I guess I will stop and consider going to bed for the night. Thanks for reading.
I've not been to church in about 6 weeks. Something about being around all those other people just increases my loneliness. And it's not that I'm not loved there...I have great friendships with all kinds of people in my church. The problem, I guess, is that there's nobody else there in my stage of life. I am young, fresh out of college, unemployed, and single. The people nearest to me in age there are older and married, most with children. I just don't really connect with anyone. I'm trying to stay connected with the women's ministry, but even there, I still feel kind of like an outsider.
Despite my best efforts, I still cannot find a job. I'm really not picky - I have put in applications for everything from tech support to front office to executive director to cleaning. My medical condition prevents me from working in food services, and retail is unwilling to make accommodations for the health situation, so I'm stuck there. Since March, I have only had one interview. I just keep telling myself that God is going to put me where He wants me when He wants me there and that I need to just be patient, but with money running tight and the economy failing, that's wearing thin on my spirit. Not to mention that not having others to interact with on a daily basis is just adding to my loneliness. The only people I talk to in person now are my mom, the doctor, and my brother's family.
On top of that, I am having a minor health setback. Best guess right now is that I've developed some sort of ulcer; my upper stomach is quite unhappy.
Life is just one big, deep wilderness experience for me right now. I'd be lying if I said I understand. I'd be lying if I said it made sense to me. I thought my health crisis was my wilderness, but the healing process is turning out to be a million times worse, a million times lonelier and more depressing and just...worse. It's hard when I have the ability and the will, and I am trying my hardest to succeed and do well, and yet there is still something holding me back, something obviously more powerful than me.
I must add, though, that I am only mildly distressed. I am concerned, as most people are, about money. I worry about what's going to happen in January when I have to find new health insurance and pay out-of-pocket (if I still don't have a job). I worry about what's going to happen next year when my reserves of money run out and I still don't have a job. But at the same time, I really do believe there is a bigger plan, a plan bigger than my understanding.
I will also say this, and then I will stop. My faith is getting absolutely stronger every day. I am reading the Bible cover-to-cover and am currently nearing the end of Jeremiah, and I am just falling in love with my God over and over again. It is a deeper love than I ever thought possible, and there are just poignant little messages spread throughout that text that drive straight to my heart. Most recently, forgiveness and prayer has entered into that equation. I may write about that later, but not here.
So I don't know. I'm just feeling lonely and overwhelmed and confused and lonely. Hoping this all pans out and that life turns around for me and the healing gets easier and more complete every day, instead of this waffling back and forth that I'm going through right now.
And now that I'm in tears thinking of all this, I guess I will stop and consider going to bed for the night. Thanks for reading.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Dream
Sometimes, I am not sure what meaning dreams hold. It seems to me that some are just random constructions of an over-active mind. And so, unless I am particularly struck by one, I tend not to think about them too much. But last night, my dream struck me. Buckle your random belts...
It began in present day, but also in both past and future. I had gone to visit my great-grandmother at her house (a frequent event from my youth, and a woman I loved dearly for a lot of reasons). There, I was to meet up with the rest of the family - mom, brothers and their wives, niece and newborn nephew (due March 4, by the way) and grandma with great-grandma. As I sat in the house all by myself waiting on everyone else to arrive, I looked out the window and saw a rather large snake, something I was never afraid of finding at Grandma's as a child but have come to realize were probably all around.
Snakes in dreams TEND to represent change. I sat in the house and watched out the window, but it never moved. I could see it wasn't dead; it was just waiting on me to make the first move. Something almost beckoning me to come out and touch it. But inside, I sat. Too afraid to go, too afraid to get near it. One by one, the others arrived, and apparently, it was my birthday! I handed the newborn nephew back to my brother's wife and followed great-grandmother into her bedroom where she gave me a gift - the key to the nutter house. (For those of you who know what this means, apparently, my GG owned RMH and was passing it on to me to keep safe for future generations.) She took me to the computer to show me my new realm and ended up burning data on several 5" floppy disks for me.
ANYWAY...
While grandma and mom cooked a big country breakfast for us all, my brother convinced me to come outside and see the snake, which I had convinced myself was a golden cobra. Foolishly, I went, as he had it trapped in the backseat of the car. I climbed right in the backseat with the thing, and it had a big gash across its neck, looking like someone had tried but failed to cut its head off. It inched itself closer to me and licked me right in the face - it felt like puppy kisses! So gentle! And even though I was no longer afraid, I took a machete and finished chopping off its head. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by sadness, and a bit later, my brother's wife told me the REAL name of the snake. I don't remember upon waking exactly what it was, but I remember how peaceful and healing it sounded.
See, here's the thing:
The hardest thing for me to overcome in the healing process is my own psychology. I can feel the very real fighting over my being - an internal struggle between health and sickness, between fragment and wholeness. I want to go outside and play; I am afraid I will puke. I want to go upstairs and work; I am afraid I will end up in pain. I want to run; I'm afraid I will fall. I want to go out in public; I'm afraid I will get sick and not be able to make it home. I want to eat; I'm afraid I can't. It's all a struggle between what I WANT to be and what I've been for the past 5 years. If I keep myself busy and don't think much about anything, I can make it through the day and feel wonderful. But when it gets to be 7 p.m. and I look back and realize what a great day I had, I immediately become sick and stuck in bed for the rest of the evening. I became so used to the thought that the good days were over for me that I can no longer accept them without fear, without ruining them for myself. So it's really hard to combat the psychology of healing. I mean, really hard. At the same time, I realize the only thing standing between me and complete restoration is...me! Please be in prayer as I work to overcome myself and try to discover the new life, the complete healing God has for me because I know it is there! It feels like puppy kisses, and I cut its head off!
The other thing that is really bugging me about myself right now is that I'm getting a bit stingy, selfish. I have always been this way with food - it drives me batty when someone wastes even a bite of food. But now, it's going to other things that SHOULDN'T MATTER. And here's when it hit me: my mom was making a papier mache bowl for work (something she's going to throw away after its use has expired). As part of this project, she attached a butter bowl lid to make the bottom of the new bowl. I was so livid! How could she just WASTE a lid like that? SERIOUSLY. And then I caught myself and was like "wow. I'm a jerk." I try not to be selfish and not to worry about things like this because I know they don't really matter, but I guess the frustration of not being able to find a job yet is getting to me. I DO have expenses. I pay some of the bills around this house and have had a lot of unexpected expenses lately (though, I did just buy myself a present for the first time in years). So I know part of my selfishness is coming from fear - the fear of running out of money before I can find a job to bring in more. It's not even that I'm really picky about a job. My only requirements are as follows: I need a clean bathroom, and I won't work food or retail. I can't work food because when I tic, I tend to touch my face and stuff a lot, so I'd have to always be washing my hands and it'd just be disgusting. And I won't work retail cuz they usually don't have clean bathrooms. (I'm talking big retail like Walmart or Kohl's.) So yeah...I'm looking for something more suited to my personality. And I know in my heart that God is going to put me where He wants me when He wants me there, but in the meantime, it's still hard to trust. So I think that's where my selfishness is coming from, but it still bothers me. It's not a good trait in a person.
So that's my random update. I'm gonna go read the Bible or something now. I'm almost halfway through! (reading cover-to-cover and right in the thick of Psalms as I type this)
It began in present day, but also in both past and future. I had gone to visit my great-grandmother at her house (a frequent event from my youth, and a woman I loved dearly for a lot of reasons). There, I was to meet up with the rest of the family - mom, brothers and their wives, niece and newborn nephew (due March 4, by the way) and grandma with great-grandma. As I sat in the house all by myself waiting on everyone else to arrive, I looked out the window and saw a rather large snake, something I was never afraid of finding at Grandma's as a child but have come to realize were probably all around.
Snakes in dreams TEND to represent change. I sat in the house and watched out the window, but it never moved. I could see it wasn't dead; it was just waiting on me to make the first move. Something almost beckoning me to come out and touch it. But inside, I sat. Too afraid to go, too afraid to get near it. One by one, the others arrived, and apparently, it was my birthday! I handed the newborn nephew back to my brother's wife and followed great-grandmother into her bedroom where she gave me a gift - the key to the nutter house. (For those of you who know what this means, apparently, my GG owned RMH and was passing it on to me to keep safe for future generations.) She took me to the computer to show me my new realm and ended up burning data on several 5" floppy disks for me.
ANYWAY...
While grandma and mom cooked a big country breakfast for us all, my brother convinced me to come outside and see the snake, which I had convinced myself was a golden cobra. Foolishly, I went, as he had it trapped in the backseat of the car. I climbed right in the backseat with the thing, and it had a big gash across its neck, looking like someone had tried but failed to cut its head off. It inched itself closer to me and licked me right in the face - it felt like puppy kisses! So gentle! And even though I was no longer afraid, I took a machete and finished chopping off its head. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by sadness, and a bit later, my brother's wife told me the REAL name of the snake. I don't remember upon waking exactly what it was, but I remember how peaceful and healing it sounded.
See, here's the thing:
The hardest thing for me to overcome in the healing process is my own psychology. I can feel the very real fighting over my being - an internal struggle between health and sickness, between fragment and wholeness. I want to go outside and play; I am afraid I will puke. I want to go upstairs and work; I am afraid I will end up in pain. I want to run; I'm afraid I will fall. I want to go out in public; I'm afraid I will get sick and not be able to make it home. I want to eat; I'm afraid I can't. It's all a struggle between what I WANT to be and what I've been for the past 5 years. If I keep myself busy and don't think much about anything, I can make it through the day and feel wonderful. But when it gets to be 7 p.m. and I look back and realize what a great day I had, I immediately become sick and stuck in bed for the rest of the evening. I became so used to the thought that the good days were over for me that I can no longer accept them without fear, without ruining them for myself. So it's really hard to combat the psychology of healing. I mean, really hard. At the same time, I realize the only thing standing between me and complete restoration is...me! Please be in prayer as I work to overcome myself and try to discover the new life, the complete healing God has for me because I know it is there! It feels like puppy kisses, and I cut its head off!
The other thing that is really bugging me about myself right now is that I'm getting a bit stingy, selfish. I have always been this way with food - it drives me batty when someone wastes even a bite of food. But now, it's going to other things that SHOULDN'T MATTER. And here's when it hit me: my mom was making a papier mache bowl for work (something she's going to throw away after its use has expired). As part of this project, she attached a butter bowl lid to make the bottom of the new bowl. I was so livid! How could she just WASTE a lid like that? SERIOUSLY. And then I caught myself and was like "wow. I'm a jerk." I try not to be selfish and not to worry about things like this because I know they don't really matter, but I guess the frustration of not being able to find a job yet is getting to me. I DO have expenses. I pay some of the bills around this house and have had a lot of unexpected expenses lately (though, I did just buy myself a present for the first time in years). So I know part of my selfishness is coming from fear - the fear of running out of money before I can find a job to bring in more. It's not even that I'm really picky about a job. My only requirements are as follows: I need a clean bathroom, and I won't work food or retail. I can't work food because when I tic, I tend to touch my face and stuff a lot, so I'd have to always be washing my hands and it'd just be disgusting. And I won't work retail cuz they usually don't have clean bathrooms. (I'm talking big retail like Walmart or Kohl's.) So yeah...I'm looking for something more suited to my personality. And I know in my heart that God is going to put me where He wants me when He wants me there, but in the meantime, it's still hard to trust. So I think that's where my selfishness is coming from, but it still bothers me. It's not a good trait in a person.
So that's my random update. I'm gonna go read the Bible or something now. I'm almost halfway through! (reading cover-to-cover and right in the thick of Psalms as I type this)
Friday, August 29, 2008
Miracles of God
As many of you know, I have struggled greatly with my health over the past 4 and a half years. This has been a long battle for me, involving so much that I can't even go into it all. To put just a few numbers to it, the process involved over 20 doctors, 4 surgeries, more than 12 emergency room visits, 75 pounds, close to $100,000, numerous wrong turns and misdiagnoses, billions of tears, and countless prayers.
It is with great pleasure that I now find myself in a position to pass along some amazingly wonderful news on the health front. The saga is drawing to a close. We have completed the diagnostic phase, are well into fine-tuning the treatment plan, and are moving forward into physical restoration for this temple.
Please let me share with you some of the signs of healing that are present right at this very moment. My weight has held steady (or slightly increased) for the past two months. I am now at what is considered to be a healthy weight for my body type and am aiming to stay there! I have been reduced from over 40 prescription medications to just 3. I am celebrating right now because it has been officially a year since I have been rushed to the emergency room. It has been six months since I have needed to use a wheelchair to get around. My hair is continuing to grow out, rather than falling out as it was for so long.
Perhaps the greatest miracle I can report at this time is that I had an MRI last week as a follow-up on my brain tumor (found over a year ago, most likely present for at least two years) and the doctors can no longer find any evidence of it existing. It has completely vanished! Praise God!
Because there have been so many misdiagnoses along the way, I want to clear up exactly what is and is not going on. To start with, there is a problem with my kidneys. This causes too much acid to build up in my body, destroys tissues, creates kidney stones, and makes my lungs work harder than normal to keep a balance of acids and bases. Second, I have an autoimmune disorder that is also a chronic pain condition. This leaves me susceptible to common illnesses, and the pain is at times excruciating, requiring intervention and bed rest. As for anything else you may have heard over the years, it has all been whittled away into these two conditions. I am nothing short of speechless.
So what will my restoration look like? Will it be wholeness in the sense of what life was before? No. But it will be glorious! I have to teach myself to eat again. My body has been in starvation mode for so long that food is difficult. And with the diagnosis of the pain condition, my diet is now very restricted. Certain foods will cause flares that could land me in the hospital just for pain control, so I have to learn what I can and cannot eat, and how much I can get away with. On a sad note, no more chocolate. But such is a small price to pay. I will need to start working on building some stamina back up, on getting out of the house and being just a little bit active. Laying in bed for so many years does not do a body well. But I will never be as active as I once was; it will not be safe to do so. This old temple just ain't what she used to be. I have some residual neurological effects, as well. My head and face will probably continue to twitch a little, my hands will shake, my voice will choke and crack. And I will be undergoing numerous hours of dental work (starting next week) to repair all of that damage (Praise God I have managed to save my teeth thus far!)
So things will not be the way they used to be, but perhaps that is better. I have grown so much through this experience, and I am not the same young woman I once was. I have matured. I have grown. I have drawn nearer to my God and to my family here on Earth. I want to thank everyone, especially my church family, for being so diligent in prayers for me; I could not have made it this far without you. A special thanks goes out to the Ladies Class, who have kept me lifted in spirits and provided much needed boosts throughout the process. I ask for your continued prayers as I go through this restoration - the dentists, the nutritionists, the physical therapists, the devotions - I know the healing path will be more draining than the path of illness.
Some people say that miracles aren't happening any more, that the world has gone too far to the dark side. But I am living a miracle right now, and it is blessed. Most of you know I am rarely speechless, but I have found myself just sitting in silence lately, letting all of this soak in, and crying tears of joy because I believed this day may never come. Well, here it is, and I (along with all of you) look forward to a better tomorrow. A brighter future. And the restoration of a temple long broken.
It is with great pleasure that I now find myself in a position to pass along some amazingly wonderful news on the health front. The saga is drawing to a close. We have completed the diagnostic phase, are well into fine-tuning the treatment plan, and are moving forward into physical restoration for this temple.
Please let me share with you some of the signs of healing that are present right at this very moment. My weight has held steady (or slightly increased) for the past two months. I am now at what is considered to be a healthy weight for my body type and am aiming to stay there! I have been reduced from over 40 prescription medications to just 3. I am celebrating right now because it has been officially a year since I have been rushed to the emergency room. It has been six months since I have needed to use a wheelchair to get around. My hair is continuing to grow out, rather than falling out as it was for so long.
Perhaps the greatest miracle I can report at this time is that I had an MRI last week as a follow-up on my brain tumor (found over a year ago, most likely present for at least two years) and the doctors can no longer find any evidence of it existing. It has completely vanished! Praise God!
Because there have been so many misdiagnoses along the way, I want to clear up exactly what is and is not going on. To start with, there is a problem with my kidneys. This causes too much acid to build up in my body, destroys tissues, creates kidney stones, and makes my lungs work harder than normal to keep a balance of acids and bases. Second, I have an autoimmune disorder that is also a chronic pain condition. This leaves me susceptible to common illnesses, and the pain is at times excruciating, requiring intervention and bed rest. As for anything else you may have heard over the years, it has all been whittled away into these two conditions. I am nothing short of speechless.
So what will my restoration look like? Will it be wholeness in the sense of what life was before? No. But it will be glorious! I have to teach myself to eat again. My body has been in starvation mode for so long that food is difficult. And with the diagnosis of the pain condition, my diet is now very restricted. Certain foods will cause flares that could land me in the hospital just for pain control, so I have to learn what I can and cannot eat, and how much I can get away with. On a sad note, no more chocolate. But such is a small price to pay. I will need to start working on building some stamina back up, on getting out of the house and being just a little bit active. Laying in bed for so many years does not do a body well. But I will never be as active as I once was; it will not be safe to do so. This old temple just ain't what she used to be. I have some residual neurological effects, as well. My head and face will probably continue to twitch a little, my hands will shake, my voice will choke and crack. And I will be undergoing numerous hours of dental work (starting next week) to repair all of that damage (Praise God I have managed to save my teeth thus far!)
So things will not be the way they used to be, but perhaps that is better. I have grown so much through this experience, and I am not the same young woman I once was. I have matured. I have grown. I have drawn nearer to my God and to my family here on Earth. I want to thank everyone, especially my church family, for being so diligent in prayers for me; I could not have made it this far without you. A special thanks goes out to the Ladies Class, who have kept me lifted in spirits and provided much needed boosts throughout the process. I ask for your continued prayers as I go through this restoration - the dentists, the nutritionists, the physical therapists, the devotions - I know the healing path will be more draining than the path of illness.
Some people say that miracles aren't happening any more, that the world has gone too far to the dark side. But I am living a miracle right now, and it is blessed. Most of you know I am rarely speechless, but I have found myself just sitting in silence lately, letting all of this soak in, and crying tears of joy because I believed this day may never come. Well, here it is, and I (along with all of you) look forward to a better tomorrow. A brighter future. And the restoration of a temple long broken.
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