Set Me Free

We are persons of limited perspective, so we have to understand that there's always something we're missing. That something is usually truth - some nugget of truth that would absolutely crush us if we discovered it, and yet, we still need to know. 

When I recently discovered the truth that I had never said out loud, but its words pierced straight through to the core of my being, I was crushed. Utterly destroyed. Devolved into a sobbing mess of snot and brokenness, feeling the full weight of who I am on this side of eternity and...mourning it. It made me grieve. 

But then...it set me free. 

It set me free because I no longer felt the need to try to hold the fragile pieces of my life. It's like walking around with a tray of drinks, trying not to spill anything, but then, something spills, and you're like...well, guess that's over. And you aren't walking so carefully any more because that ship has sailed. 

I'd been lying to myself and telling myself that I had my life somewhat together, that the pieces were falling back into place, that things were coming back to where they were supposed to be, and then just one of those fragile pieces slipped through my fingers in one profound, heart-breaking, grief-fueling moment of truth, and it was like...well, guess that's over.

I'm really just broken. 

And then you look down at the floor underneath your feet where the pieces of your once-fragile life lay resting in the dirt, and you know what? It looks almost beautiful anyway. Like something meaningful is happening there, even if you can't quite place your finger on it yet. Like there is a way for all these pieces to fit together that you hadn't thought of before. 

And in that moment, you learn grace for your truth. 

You learn beauty from ashes.

You learn strength from pain. 

And for the first time, things seem to actually make sense - not in the way that you were lying to yourself just 5 minutes ago, but in a way that feel right in the depth of your bones. You just know it. 

It's gonna be okay. 

This is the great duality of the Christian faith - truth and grace. Grace and truth. The heart-wrenching and the heart-mending. The weakness and the strength. Falling apart and somehow coming back together. The fragments of your fragile life and the beautiful mosaic of the One who created it. 

So after all this, yes - I still believe in truth. But I'm trying to be a little less reckless with it. Because I think I understand now that you never hear the truth until you're ready for the grace, and if you try to push it too fast, bad things happen that make it harder to get back to beautiful. So maybe I learn to speak with a little more grace up front, too. 

Because I've been reminded what that feels like. 

And it's amazing.